grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I don't deserve a penis
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
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