I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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