I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The beer is more important than you right now.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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