I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
