I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
