Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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