Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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