I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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