dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
