Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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