what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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