If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
