eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
