just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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