Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
