I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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