i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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