I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
