Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
