He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
