if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
