I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
