I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
