Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
