U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
