He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
