I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
