whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
