Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
