You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
