I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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