Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I party with great urgency now.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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