hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
