I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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