i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
