i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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