mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
