I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize