this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
