Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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