goodnight i made you a song goodbye
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
