I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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