I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
