mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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