I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
