I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
