how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
