I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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