If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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