I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
