There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
