I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
did i walk over a car last night?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
