Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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