The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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