Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
