So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
