Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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