i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
