Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
