I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
