dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
