Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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