you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
